Clumsy Quoting: Spot the Problem

I am often distracted by the awkward way in which a writer integrates quotations into the text. But when I started to write here about the specific problems, I didn’t know where to start. Take a look at the following quotations. Why don’t the following quotations read smoothly? See if you feel as icky as I do reading them, and whether you can say why:

1. At the time he “exhibited the plans of the mortuary” he vowed he would not “build it unless you would agree that the fee be paid up front.”

2. The cost of the food was to “be borne by the diners, who will presumably fatten both themselves and their wallets by means of the event.”

3. Stanton and his wife Marie were unhappily “maligned by marriage with some of Houston’s first families.”

4. They lived in “one of the oldest of Hyde Park’s apartment houses and one as nearly aristocratic as a Chicago South Side apartment house can be. . . . When Belle married she had protested an apartment. . . .  No privacy. Everything huddled together on one floor and everybody underfoot.”

Sometimes when I can’t articulate a problem, I rewrite the passage first and then try to discover what I did and why. Here are my edited versions (tracking is hidden):

1. When he presented his plans for the mortuary he told the client he would not start building without payment in advance.

2. The cost of the food would be paid “by the diners, who will presumably fatten both themselves and their wallets by means of the event.”

3. Vasquez writes that Stanton and his wife Marie were unhappy, “maligned by marriage” with some of the most prominent families of Houston.

4. They lived in one of the oldest apartment buildings in Hyde Park, which, according to Furber, was “as nearly aristocratic as a Chicago South Side apartment house can be.” The newlywed Belle had not wanted an apartment, fearing a lack of privacy, with “everything huddled together on one floor and everybody underfoot.”

Looking over my changes, I’m able to see exactly what bothered me in the originals, and from there I can formulate some concrete advice for avoiding problems:

—Don’t introduce a quotation in such a way as to land in the middle of a verb (“[would not] build it unless you can agree,” “[was to] be borne by the diners”) or in a way that awkwardly breaks up a modifying phrase (“[unhappily] maligned by marriage”).

—Passages that aren’t striking or unique or charged in any way (“one of the oldest of Hyde Park’s apartment houses”) are better used without quotation marks. Reword a bit. The original writer doesn’t have a copyright on pedestrian prose.*

—Isolate the part of the quotation that’s special, and then don’t do anything to wreck it. “Maligned by marriage” instead of “aligned by marriage” is fun, but in the original quote, it’s blunted by the word “long” tacked in front of it and the lackluster words that follow.

—A quotation that is clever or opinionated or shows personality that’s obviously not the writer’s requires attribution right there in the sentence: Vasquez writes; according to Furber. Relegating the source to an endnote isn’t enough.

Can you add to my list?

______

*But remember: extended paraphrasing is against the rules. Taking someone else’s sentences and swapping out every other word for a synonym is just another form of plagiarizing.

More on quoting:

“Quoting Well, Part 1: “It’s More Than Just Accuracy”

“Quoting Well, Part 2: “When It’s OK, and Not OK, to Meddle”

“Quoting Well, Part 3: “Dot Dot Dot” [on ellipsis]

 

 

Many times recently I’ve been distracted by the awkward way in which a writer integrated quotations into the text. But when I try to articulate the problem in order to write about it here, I’m stymied. Allow me to think out loud: what exactly is wrong with the following passages—or is it just me?

 

At the time he “exhibited the plans of the mortuary” he vowed he would not “build it unless you would agree that the fee be paid up front.”

 

The cost of the food was to “be borne by the diners, who will presumably fatten both themselves and their wallets by means of the event.”

 

Stanton and his wife Marie were long “maligned by marriage with some of Houston’s first families.”

 

They lived in “one of the oldest of Hyde Park’s apartment houses and one as nearly aristocratic as a Chicago South Side apartment house can be. . . . When Belle married she had protested an apartment. . . .  No privacy. Everything huddled together on one floor and everybody underfoot. People upstairs; people downstairs.”

 

Sometimes when I can’t articulate a problem, I first edit the passage to my satisfaction, and then I try to discover what I did and why. Here are my edited versions (tracking is hidden):

 

At the time he presented his plans for the mortuary he told the client he would not start building without payment in advance.

 

The cost of the food would be paid “by the diners, who will presumably fatten both themselves and their wallets by means of the event.”

 

Vasquez writes that Stanton and his wife Marie were long “maligned by marriage” with some of the most prominent families of Houston.

 

They lived in one of the oldest apartment buildings in Hyde Park, which, according to Furber, was “nearly aristocratic as a Chicago South Side apartment house can be.” The newlywed Belle had not wanted an apartment, fearing a lack of privacy: “Everything huddled together on one floor and everybody underfoot. People upstairs; people downstairs.”

 

Looking over my changes, I’m able to identify what bothered me. My conclusions:

 

—Passages that aren’t striking or unique or charged in any way (“one of the oldest of Hyde Park’s apartment houses”) are better paraphrased—or even borrowed wholesale—without quotation marks. The original writer doesn’t have a copyright on pedestrian prose.

 

—Don’t start a quotation in the middle of a verb (“[would not] build it unless you can agree,” “[was to] be borne by the diners”) or other modifying phrase (“[long] maligned by marriage”).

 

—Isolate the part of the quotation that’s special, and then don’t do anything to wreck it. “Maligned by marriage” is a great phrase, but in the original quote, it’s blunted by the word “long” tacked tin front of it and the lackluster words that follow.

 

—The sources of all the quotations above were named in endnotes, but that isn’t adequate when a quotation is clever or opinionated or shows personality obviously not the writer’s. Those quotes require attribution right there in the sentence.

Comments

[Yawningdogblog.wordpress.com]

Hi Carol --

I think I might edit the second one a little differently:

The cost of the food would be paid by the diners, "who will presumably fatten both themselves and their wallets by means of the event.”

Or maybe even:

The cost of the food would be paid by the diners, who "will presumably fatten both themselves and their wallets by means of the event.”

Can't put my finger on why, but these read better to me. Or would that be putting too much of the original quote into unquoted territory?
Kate

[Carol Saller]

Kate, I think your first version reads more smoothly. There are usually a number of ways to tweak, and every reader will have a preference, but I like your revision!

Thanks,
Carol

[Wealhtheow]

Some days I think I would be happy if my authors would just follow the most basic rule of quoting: If someone else wrote it, put it in quotation marks. Because all the other stuff I can fix.

Also: If you don't understand what you're quoting, don't.

[Wealhtheow]

By which of course I meant "Don't quote it."

[Patricia Boyd]

Thanks especially for example number 1. Still, I don't eliminate these pedestrian quotes when I'm told to copyedit a book lightly and when the author is resistant to changes. But when I become queen of the world, I will not allow quotes like these. Also, I will not allow any preface to contain the word "journey." Thank you. I feel better now.

[Pstartek]

I prefer the period after the quotation marks in these instances.