The first summer I was legally able to work, I applied for a job as a telemarketer. I dressed up, went to the dubious address downtown, found the dog-eared little walk-up suite, and was told by a man in a greasy tie that I had to “audition.”
Audition! I let fly with sincerity and enthusiasm, and even though I hadn’t noticed any other actors in the queue to try out, I was thrilled when the guy said I was extremely talented and gave me the part. I mean job. (He said, “Can you start right now?” and I said, “Oh! I don’t know. I’ll have to call my mother.”)
Three days later, the company bolted and my star turn ended. It wasn’t a scam—I was actually selling something of reasonable value at a reasonable price, and a paycheck arrived in the mail soon after—but it was my first exposure to the endless scripted politeness we suffer conducting business with strangers by phone or e-mail. And it was nothing compared to what we hear today.
I’m the first to understand that it’s not the fault of the speakers, so I try not to take it out on them. When I’m finished giving credit card numbers and shipping addresses and just want to hang up, it’s not Alice #314R’s fault that she is obliged to yammer on. And my reward for not complaining or hanging up? It’s usually something like this (readers with blood pressure issues should medicate now or skip this part):
Alice: Thank you for phoning BlatherCo.
Me: You’re welcome [come on, come on, wind it up].
Alice: We value you as a member/patron/client/service receiver/sucker and we were happy to assist you regarding this matter. My goal was to make sure that you were not just satisfied, but VERY SATISFIED—have I done that?
Me: Yes, thanks [not listening, hanging up now . . .].
Alice: It was my pleasure to help you. You may receive an email in next couple days asking you to complete a brief survey about our interaction. It won’t take very long, and it will help us improve our service for all customers.
Me: OkayBye[ClickSnarl].
Who has decided that this is good customer service? Executives? Marketers? Laid-off water boarders? And what does my lack of patience have to do with copyediting?
Only this: I’ve learned over the years that when you’re beaten down by an editing chore, an author’s complaint, an unreasonable deadline—when you’re so exasperated that patience is impossible—the best remedy is to gripe as long as possible to anyone who will listen.
So thanks.
That has got to be the BEST 'gripe' I've ever read! Ha! So, you're welcome!
Posted by: Matei | 08/05/2010 at 09:56 AM
LOL! I've reason to be grateful for my editor's legendary patience. Thank you.
Posted by: Lena Austin | 08/05/2010 at 11:44 AM
My favorite was when a guy REFUSED to help me with my computer problem because I had an "unauthorized" software conflicting with theirs - fair enough.
But before he hung up he recited some completely nonsensical script to me along the lines of "I hope you've found us very helpful today."
Helpful? Hello?! The sentence made ZERO sense given our prior conversation -- and served only to irritate me further.
Posted by: Emily | 08/05/2010 at 01:20 PM
OK, I just this second finished a call with AT&T, and that was her shpiel exactly. I mean, *exactly.*
Posted by: Elizabeth | 08/05/2010 at 04:22 PM
What a good attitude you have!
Posted by: Jonell Galloway | 08/05/2010 at 04:57 PM
I don't know which is more irritating, the blather at the end of a conversation, as described by the author, or the way so many companies require their employees to answer the phonenowadays: HellothankyouforcallingXMart, howmayweprovideyouwithexcellentservicetoday?
AAARRRGH!
Posted by: Lida Baker | 08/06/2010 at 08:42 PM
Not to mention the boilerplate "This call may be monitored or recorded for quality assurance." I get it -- your supervisor is probably listening in. Let's get to the task at hand, shall we?
Posted by: N_Lesley | 08/09/2010 at 09:43 AM
Pardon my ignorance, but what does "Stat!" mean?
Posted by: Alex Jenkins | 08/12/2010 at 10:18 PM
"Stat" is short for "statim," Latin for "immediately." (You might recall it being barked all the time by doctors on the TV show ER.) --Carol
Posted by: Carol Saller | 08/12/2010 at 10:40 PM